The Beginning

This started about 5 weeks ago. Actually, that's not true, it started at least three months ago when I first noticed a lump in my neck. It wasn't a lump in the sense that you might think. That is to say it wasn't particularly round but more oblong like a small muscle under my left jawbone. At first, I didn't pay too much attention to it which is why I can't really place exactly when I first noticed it. Some time in April 2006 I pointed it out to my wife Michelle who didn't think much of it at the time either.

Between April and early June 2006, I noticed that this lump had taken on more of a egg-shaped feel, probably about the size of a walnut shell. I began to think it was time to make an appointment with my doctor to get it checked out but put it off for a few days because, frankly, the demands of a new job kept my mind on other things. I guess I have one of my colleagues, Tim Keating, to thank for finally making that first appointment since I overheard him making a doctors appointment himself one day which reminded me to do the same. I still wasn't particularly worried and initially thought it was just a swollen gland or, at worst, a goiter.

I called to make the appointment with my primary care physician on a Thursday in early June 2006. I'm not sure what type of reaction I expected from the woman who took the appointment when she asked me the reason for my visit but I do know it wasn't the reaction that I got. The alarm in her voice was quite noticeable when I explained the lump in my neck and its duration and she put me on the schedule for the following Monday, June 12, 2006. This was the first time that it occured to me that I may be dealing with something serious. But what?

Well, like anyone in the Internet age, I went straight to Google with a series of searches such as "lump left side neck," and "lump under left jaw." Try it and see what comes up. You'll see why I quickly became convinced that I had lymphoma. My initial visit with my primary care physician did nothing to put me at ease. He asked me questions about fatigue, night sweats and unexplained fevers. He asked me if I had been around any cats. Of course, since I had spent the previous 72 hours glued to the Internet researching lymphoma, I knew exactly what he was getting at. He then measured the lump at 1.5 x 3 cm which seemed huge to me considering you couldn't really even see it.

My primary care physician referred me to an ENT and prescribed both a chest x-ray and a sonogram of my neck. The first ENT appt. I could get was for two weeks later on June 26. Actually, the first ENT that I called didn't want to get me in until the end of July despite my empassioned explanation of the potential gravity of the situation. So, a word of advice, unless you're really set on a particular doctor, keep checking until you find someone who is willing to see you on your timetable since it could, quite literally, mean the difference between life and death.

Those two weeks between doctor's appointments are somewhat of a blur. My anxiety level continued to increase. I became sullen and somewhat depressed. I stopped working out and lost my appetite. I focused on matters of practicality like the fact that I didn't have enough life insurance and how I wouldn't be able to get more now. How would my 4 year old little boy grow up without a father or, worse yet, a different father? This was truly one of the worst periods of my life. I had a very brief reprieve after speaking again to my primary care physician who told me that my blood work was perfectly normal as was my chest x-ray but I also realized this this is not uncommon with lymphoma. I also spoke to a friend who recently finished treatment for Hodgkins lymphoma and while he was kind enough to tell me all about his experience and answer any questions I had, he pointed out that I was getting all worked up before actually knowing anything. He also said something that will probably stay with my for the rest of my life and should be the title of the book that I suggested he write about his experience (he's a professional writer) which was, "It's just lymphoma." A pretty remarkable perspective if you ask me. So, all this helped a little, but not for long. My first ENT appointment provided a new dose of reality.